Fear on Wheels: Why the Astro Van is the scariest car on the road

Freeway, surface street, I don't care. If I see an Chevy Astro Van (or GMC Safari for that matter) I'm running like hell. Here's 5 fantastic reasons why:


  1. They stopped making them in 1996, which makes the average price of one now days somewhere around $800. I inherently don't like or trust anyone who wants a seven passenger vehicle that costs this little. It's not that I don't trust broke folks. I AM broke folks. It's just that there's a whole lot of you in there and this brings me to my next point.
  2. The Astro and Safari ONLY came with tinted windows. You could be alone, you could be with a dozen of your buddies. I don't know and I don't trust that I don't know.
  3. A 25 year old American vehicle will have some mechanic problems. No, scratch that, it will have constant mechanical problems. Not to mention that if you spent 800 bucks on a truck, you're unlikely to be Mr. Maintenance. If this big lunch box on wheels breaks down in front of me on the freeway, I don't like my odds.
  4. It's fricken shady looking. End of. There's way more chance that, at this point in its life, the Astro has turned into the older son's shaggin' wagon or mobile stonatorium rather than shuttling kids around soccer practice. Together with all the pieces above, we can be sure that the driver of an Astro Van is up to no good.
  5. For all its crappiness, these vans are actually built on an S10 pickup chassis. That means 4.3L V6 made of indestructibleness, rear-wheel drive and enough heavy metal to drive through a wall. Compared to today's flimsy, plastic, cup-holder laden front-wheel drive vans - the Astro is an urban assault vehicle ready to flee from crime scenes or haul stolen goods across the country.
More than any old van, the Astro now represents sheer, people-carrying menace. If you see one, don't get close. There's nothing good going on inside.

6 comments:

St. Cloud State University said...

Dumb.....the Astro/Safari line was discontinued in 2005. The 3.8 liter V6 is one of the most reliable modern motors in the Chevy line up. There are countless Astro/Safaris with >200k being driven daily. Resale value has remained consistent and in some cases gone up due to the reliability of these vans. You can do better than this!

Unknown said...

Up to $8,$9,$10k depending on how nice it is and climbing since theres nothing out there to compete these days! Very solid, HD, robust drive train that goes well into 200, 300k miles. Cheap to fix. Millions made 1985 to 2005 so lots of parts were made . Have you ever compared maintenance costs to a VW Eurovan or Vanagon????

Unknown said...

Have had mine since new in 2003 safari AWD has run great just normal things with age and we call it the green tank nothing stops it up here can wake up in the morning in winter with 3 ft of snow blocking your way out with good snow tires just but in gear and drive though it the snow runs and hides in fear when it see's it coming those other 4X4 like the BMW AND AUDI too light to plow though it have gone light off road with it came with 3 inch lift from dealership so 15 inches of ground clearance

Unknown said...

1) Finding a great , cared for Astro/Safari for $800. is B.S. More like $2500-4000. My last Astro had 450,000 miles When I SOLD it RUNNING.
2) Your a moron who knows nothing about motor vehicles. Please go back to your last job writing grocery store ads at your local free paper.

AstroMark said...

Its is very apparent you have no clue what you are talking about, the first gen vans were made from 1985 to 1994 then the intermediate year was 95 which is a cross between old style and new style. Then there was a second gen Astro/Safaro made from 1996 to 2005. The only thing that was used on both the S-10 and the Astro/Safari is the 4.3 and the transmission which both were also used in full sized chevy/gmc trucks and vans. It has the same size brakes but the wheel bolt pattern if from a 2 wheel drive full sized truck. S-10 wheels won't even bolt onto the Astro or Safari. The only reason they did not put a V8 in these vans was due to the mini van classification. Which in turn would put it in a different category for insurance. Before you go running off at the mouth maybe you should read do some research, otherwise you just look like a retard!

Chicagohotrodz said...

The 3.8 was one of the worst motors General Motors ever built thank God it never came up in an Astro or Safari not sure where you got your information from

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